it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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