Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
