So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I need a hoe opinion
go on
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
