I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
