this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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