I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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