if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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