We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
