I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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