Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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