I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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