You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
