I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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