So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
