When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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