I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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