Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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