Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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