The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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