im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The power of my boobs compel you
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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