I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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