Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
