I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
