Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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