Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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