Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
