Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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