Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
