she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I want to fling myself into the sun
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
