Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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