the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
