i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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