You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
