Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
