so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
