I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
