Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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