Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
