The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
