butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
