Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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