I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
