remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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