I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
