Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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