you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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