Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We are two peas in an std pod
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
