i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
