Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
