I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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