i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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