I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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