I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
