So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
