I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
