Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
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I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
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It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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