Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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