More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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