No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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